the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
