i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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