Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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