He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
