wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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