Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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