i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
