there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.