Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
