you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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