I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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