i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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