I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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