Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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