Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
