You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
