You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
