hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
