the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
