I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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