Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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