i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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