I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize