on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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