life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
