The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
did you just send me my own nude
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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