I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have aggressive nipples.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
