the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
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you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
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We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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