so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
