i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
