All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
