she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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