Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
