Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
