I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
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But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
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You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize