Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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