The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
