I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
