so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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