I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
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What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize