Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
