so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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