While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
