I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
