I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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