i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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