When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
