I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
