no, he came in my armpit
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
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I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
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Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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