it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
