Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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