he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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