six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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