She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
