Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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